My First Speech - as delivered this morning

Conventional wisdom advises that a person troubled by stage fright should imagine his or her audience in their underwear. Having resolved to try on both convention and wisdom for fit, I’ve got to say, that answering the burning boxer/brief question is indeed quite soothing to the nerves.

At this point in our university experiences, we’ve all gone through the exercise of introducing ourselves to our classes. I’ve often felt this sort of feels like hearing newspaper classified personal ads being read aloud. Mine would be something like this: MWF, Aquarian. Turn-ons include long walks on the beach, the Tao Te Ching, and social justice. NS/SD. Middle-aged with youthful spirit.

But I suppose, having donned both conventionality and wisdom for this occasion, I should continue down that road and give you the bare facts.

My name is Nancy. I’m a wife and mother of two sons, aged 19 and 15. I was a nurse for something like 20 years, but now I’m a full time King’s student and Religious Studies major. According to my UWO transcript, I’m also a MATURE student, and if Western says it is so, then it certainly must be true.

And one of the privileges of this so-called “maturity” is that I am automatically licensed to impart motherly advice, perpetuate old wives tales, and convey illustrative stories. I happen to have such a story ready, so prepare your selves; here it comes.

Since last year’s economic bubble burst, the downturn in the economy has hit everyone mighty hard. Even Hell has sought bankruptcy protection, and Satan has had to liquidate some assets, and provide a restructuring plan in order to get in on some of that government bail-out money.

So the devil had an auction, put an advertisement in all the papers inviting the whole world, and spread out his entire evil arsenal for sale. Well, the bidding was fast and furious as each new item hit the auction block: hatred… greed… lust… intolerance… right-wing conservativism… religious fundamentalism… Mylie Cyrus!

Someone in the crowd noticed that the devil had held something back--there was a weapon missing--and so he asked the devil about it. And the devil replied: “Oh, I just can’t give that up. It’s my most powerful weapon! Hell simply could not continue to operate without it.”

The man got eager to see which of the devil’s destructive weapons was the most powerful, and begged the devil to tell him what it was. And the devil replied: “Indifference.”