Monday, August 10, 2009

Lots of stuff to share today.

This cat seems to know what a camera is all about. As soon as he hears me turn on the camera, he's right in there like a dirty shirt. He brought his "baby" hippopotamus with him for the shot. What a ham!

ANYWAY: I stopped at Lens Mills on my way home from school this afternoon. I needed to get some new blades for my rotary cutter. was the day to go! They had a very good clearance sale on. Even remnants were half price. Olfa products were 30% off.

I did a very little yard sale-ing this past weekend. I'm in serious like with the little butter dish. It's only 4" long.

I gave my final speech in Speech class this morning. I think you'll like it.
We live in the age of information. With a few keystrokes, we can find the answers to practically any question. Technology allows us to shoot communication back and forth through text messages, the Tweet of a Twitter, even a wall post on Facebook. We have endless access to information—dare I say knowledge? —but where shall wisdom be found?

Much of our lives is spent trying to figure out what life is all about, to know what to do, to know what is right. That’s why we seek wisdom, and have sought wisdom since antiquity. We seem to instinctively understand that wisdom is more than just the gathering together of information; not about how much one knows, but more like the clarity of mind that allows one to utilize information with sense and insight. It’s an array of qualities that allow us to exist, and work within the world.

Wisdom is a growing thing. It requires attention and nurturing, but mostly it requires time, which is why we often turn to those who are older, and thereby wiser, than we are. Robert Louis Stevenson said “To hold the same views at forty as we held at twenty is to have been stupefied for a score of years.” Fortunately, for the youngsters in this audience, as a woman of a certain age—I can’t tell you exactly how old I am; it’s a “F” word—I’m prepared to impart the wisdom I’ve accumulated over my many years.

1. Treat service staff in restaurants with derision. After all, you've had to suffer through the contempt of a couple of crackpots while you waited tables part-time to get through school. Be as demeaning, demanding and discourteous as possible. It's character building, and they will consider it a favour. And besides, it's just an urban legend that wait staff do disgusting things to your food as payback for ignorant customers. If you tip--and I’m not recommending you do—a couple of quarters is plenty. Just toss them on your empty nacho platter. Sneering as you leave is a nice touch.

2. When it comes to attending children's birthday parties, deciding on a present can be tricky. Children love to get socks and corduroy pants for their birthdays. However, parents prefer it you gift their kids with super-sized kits of Play-Doh, toy vehicles with working sirens, or giant all-day lollipops. You simply can't please all of the people all of the time. Be sure to position yourself near the cake when the time for "Happy Birthday" comes along so you can blow out Little Johnnie or Suzie's candles for them - help the little tyke out.

3. People will think you are a real go-getter if you follow these simple rules of war. Never take “no” for an answer – it’s merely the first answer. Whining will erode the hardest rock. While you’re at it, always be right. And furthermore, if there is going to be a fight, make sure you are the one to start it. Appropriate gestures, for example: wagging your finger in someone’s face, or swearing is always effective in having your viewpoint more clearly understood and generally accepted.

4. At street corners cross only when the light is green, yellow, or red. This rule applies to when you are bicycling as well. In case a vehicle narrowly avoids striking you, make obscene gestures, and swear at the driver. If you are feeling particularly peppy, pound your fist on the hoods of octogenarians, or give them a kick in the quarter panel.

5. If it feels good, I say just do it! Scratch whatever itches. Anything nasal: picking, sniffling, sneezing, whistling, go for it. We’re all human, and understand that gas can be uncomfortable. Clean, and/or file your nails at the dining table. Announce when you are going to the bathroom, and report back on how you made out upon your return. Adjust your underwear if it’s creeping. Expectorate freely. Public displays of affection are a welcome diversion in the humdrum lives of others, so go ahead and grope.

6.When a couple announces their engagement to you, ask the bride-to-be if the diamond is real. Ask the groom, “is she is pregnant, or what?” Never RSVP the wedding invitation, and bring a date, plus another couple so that you’ll have someone to hang out with. Besides, it’s an open bar; the more the merrier! Wear jeans to the wedding, and try to get a seat on the aisle so you can goose the bride. Remember that your “best wishes” are considered gift enough.

7. “Forgive and forget” is for losers. Hold a grudge like nobody’s business. If you do accidentally forget – make something up. But as for another old cliché: “Think nothing of it”, you can take that one to heart. Gratitude is embarrassing for everyone, so “don’t mention it”. And lastly “revenge is sweet” so be sure to get some.

8. Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. If you procrastinate efficiently, someone else will surely take care of it. Do not do anything until you have been asked at least twice. You will want to be certain the person who makes the request was absolutely certain. Ignore deadlines, and certainly don’t ask for an extension, because there is always a risk the answer will be ‘no’. It’s better to beg forgiveness than ask permission.

9. Don’t know what to wear to a funeral? Just pull something out of the laundry basket and if it passes the sniff test – it’s a go. The leather mini-skirt and see though blouse you wore to the club last night are black, and therefore appropriate for funeral going. Dive into your storehouse of clever jests for tense and serious occasions and whisper jokes during the service. Never, ever stand for the hymns, nor bow your head for prayers , because you don’t go for that religious mumbo-jumbo, and doing so would be against your beliefs. Take photos of the corpse. Open the casket for one last peek.

10. When driving: red lights are optional after midnight, and stop signs are merely suggestions at any time of the day. You know what they say: “no cops, no stops”. Leave your right signal light on at all times. Do not slow down for puddles, and do steer directly into them if there’s a pedestrian anywhere near – you may speed up if there is a risk of missing said pedestrian. Since we are forced to share the road with elderly drivers, help keep their reflexes sharp through intimidation by tailgating them. Now, say you have to make a left hand turn in about 12 kilometres or so. It only makes sense to drive in the passing lane for the sake of convenience. And by all means, have “one for the road”.

I realize this is a lot of information to take in, and I’ll stop at ten, because my advice will largely be ignored anyway. And this doesn’t trouble me one bit, because I’ve been told that if one keeps one’s mind sufficiently open, someone is sure to come along and fill it up with a load of rubbish. You’ll learn from your mistakes, just as I did. But, as Mark Twain wrote, “We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore."


  1. Love your wisdom filled speech. Great job! LOL

  2. LOL! Great speech. Full of timeless advice!

    Regarding the open-minded thing- I had a teacher in high school who used to tell us, "Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out."

  3. Love the litte butter's soooo cute. You always find such good buys! Great work on the speech.

  4. Butter dish--very cute. Kitten--uber cute. Speech --Freakin' hilarious!

  5. Your speech is hysterical! You should send it in to Quilter's Home magazine!! Very funny!!